October is Domestic Violence Month

October is Domestic Violence Month and it is time that I do talk about this. I want to be very clear for anyone that does know me that I will write about things that may hurt your heart. The words that I am going to write is meant for those who need to hear these words.

Now before I start I want you to understand as well, I am not sad nor regret anything in my life. The things that are to come, the past or anything that I was a part of does not mean I would change anything. These words are meant for people that need to hear that there are other options. That you are meant to have a different life.

So on that note, what I thought was love was really hidden by a lot of uncovered truths. Sadly, I was in love with the wrong man for many years. I was married for almost Seven Years to man that hid behind drugs, sex, and emotional/ physical abuse.

Now on the outside, we seemed like the perfect couple, but that was the shell. The center of our relationship still makes me sick to even think about it. Because of the abuse that I went through on my own free will, it took some time to get out.

I forever had an excuse for him.  That I have been always on the quick of the haul to cover his lies. The sick part is that my love was used for his own doing and not for the substantial deal of being in love in a relationship.

I was married to man that hides behind his sexuality. My ex was ashamed of who he is and because of that he took it out on others. The reason my ex husband was and will always be a druggie is because he will not get the help that he needs.

My ex husband used me as a cover to be his wife. So he in return could be a very bisexual man that did like women. Only for one reason and that was for a cover to get by in life that he created. I was only a cover and never knew it for almost 5 years.

Now am I anti gay or bisexual oh gosh no. This does not mean that I wanted to be married to someone that had affairs behind my back though. That he felt it did not matter because the affairs were with a dude so it did not count in his eyes.

Now me on the other hand not only did I look at every man but women too? Who was he fucking tonight and was it a male or female and would there be drugs? Of course there was and that is why I was never asked to go. Even had the nerve of introducing me to one of the men that was with him in a sexual atmosphere.

With  me not wanting to play along and go with the plan about the bisexuality then that is when the cards were flipped on me. One day after working all my ex was to pick me up after my shift. Now all day we talked and everything was fine, but when he picked me up you could tell he was high.

In my opinion at that moment is when he really went manic and completely lost his marbles. He was irate, wanting to fight with others on the road as we drove back home. Just very erratic because of the chemicals in his system, it had to be. What was his drug of choice? It was crack cocaine. I have seen this man do 15 thousand  in one year and that was just on crack alone.

By the time we got to the house we started to fight out of the blue. Even to this day I have no idea what started the issue. Oh, I do remember now it was because he was acting like a crazy man. It was so left field that I was truly shocked at what was going on. I was crying, pleading with him on what was the deal.

Now it started with him pushing me down. I fell down so hard I looked like one of those skipping rocks on the lake. Now me being me, I got back up to my feet and stood up. NOT just stand up I stood up and was not going to back down. My ex was trained in the martial arts and so was I. So I knew that this was never going to stop even if I did back down. He wanted to fight me and that was the day I lost my first real fight EVER. I have never lost and now I knew.

I was punched, choked, kicked, kneed. You know when the MMA fighter is ground fighting and uses elbows and not just make contact but drag the elbow across the face. Because I was being held down and I can officially say I know how that fucking feels. Let me say that not only sucks, but fucking hurts like a mother. I was choked out to where I blacked out but woke up to still being choked.

I had to fight for five hours straight. Once he finally left I was for the first time not sure how to deal with what happened to me. By morning time I had to be at work again and that was even the worst part. I could not drive because I was hurt so bad. So my coworker was kind enough to pick me up. I was ashamed, embarrassed that I had to look like this.

I had to go to work with broken ribs, both eyes black. Missing skin from my cheek bones and my pride missing from me completely. I felt like everything died within me, that I lost my warrior within. We could never get better in the relationship because I would not forgive him. Every time I looked at him I either saw him with other men in my eyes. Or I saw him as a woman beater that he was.

I am going to tell you that once something like that starts it will not stop until there is help  or until it kills you. That once you leave and get away from this person you will begin to start to feel better I promise. I know that leaving is scary and not easy to say the least. I had lost my home, I had to obtain restraining orders, I even traveled states alone with my children and what I could carry on the train ride back home.

I know that now being married to a rich millionaire that had the perfect record on paper seemed to be a perfect person. Oh, how wrong I was about this man! How I wasted so much time trying to make things right. When it was not even my problem or issue. The issue was him and because he was not willing to be whom he needs to be. So instead he will make everyone around him miserable. Due to him being so insecure in himself and that is part of why he acts out.

I mean can you imagine that you want to be with a person, but you have to have sex with other side because that is what your family wants. Or that because you were born in a different era that is looked down upon in their mind. Or because they did not want to mess up their cash cow inheritance because money is more important to life in their eyes. There are so many things, but it's not worth even trying to guess because in the end they are all nuts and out of their minds.

People that abuse are on another level than what is considered normal. I feel that if we that have been abused do not speak about what we have learned than One we will not continue to remember the patterns that started this mess. The second is if we do not speak about it than the others will not learn about the patterns to watch for.

Now this is across the board, Men and Women are being abused. Yes woman have the same problems as well with abusing. Abuse in not picky on the victim and does not care about your skin, your education, where you grew up or your sex. Abuse is, no matter how you look at it is hurtful, emotional and destructive.

I can say that I feel that I have always had a voice and have been able to express my words. After going through what I went through it did help me see what my calling was to be. It took some time, but it is very clear on what my calling is now. I am going to be honest and tell you what you need to hear. Not what you want to hear.

I am being honest about my life so you can see that people do make it on the other side of the tunnel. That there really is a light and it is not just bullshit. I am being raw like this so this shit is exposed and so that others that want to abuse will be stopped. Your time is not safe here, I will write about you and expose you for you are. I will vow to keep my words as a sword towards you and I will do just as raw as you made others feel.

So, throughout the month of October I am going to write about the steps that you can take to get out. I am going to write about what exposer you can do to fight back and in a legal way! I am going to be very real and expose these abusive people for what they are. I am going to give you the power to fight back and I truly hope that my words lift you to do what is needed to become safe. Throughout these times will be the hardest but in the end it will be so freeing to feel safe again. Please think about it and if you need help then lets get the help that is needed. Please Be Safe!


Sabrina Ford